Declan put his slice of pizza down and jumped from his perch in the wagon, running to the other side of the boardwalk.
One by one we made our way through the crowd Frogger style, dodging and weaving through the crowd, I with the wagon in tow.
“Declan, wait!” My husband called as Declan climbed to the other side of the railing, ready to jump to the sand below.
“We can’t play in the sand now, buddy! We got to get going!”
Declan’s eyes squeezed shut in frustration.
“I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!”
My husband reached out and put his hand on Declan’s shoulder.
“C’mon, bud. Hop back over the rail to this side of the boardwalk. We will play in the sand later we just can’t right now.”
Declan’s eyes closed again and his head tilt back. A loud scream erupted.
“Hey, Declan! If you come over here now, I will play your game with you when we get home!” Bobby offered.
Declan screamed again, turned around and began violently pushing and pulling on the bar he clung to.
“FINE!” He screamed with tears in his eyes and crawled back over the boardwalk railing.
Once over, Declan turned to face my husband. With fists clenched he reared back and yelled:
“I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!”
An elderly man walking by stopped and stared. He looked from Declan to my husband, jaw dropped.
My husband glanced at the gentleman as he corralled Declan back into his chair in the wagon.
Seeing the man still staring my husband turned to him and stated, “He’s autistic. It’s okay.”
The man neither nodded nor shrugged. He just started walking again and left us.
My husband began to pull Declan in the wagon, while the rest of us took a side as a protective cloud. A few steps later he turned to say, “I hate that. I hate that so much. People are so quick to judge what they don’t know.”
And then he suggested I write about it.
“Shut up!”
“Shut your mouth!”
“It’s all your fault!”
“You’re so stupid!”
“I’m not listening to you!”
A sarcastic, “Sor-ry!”
“That’s it! I’m running away!”
“I hate you!”
When Declan has hit the lowest of his lows, he searches for the words with the most hurt in them.
We know where they are coming from. We know to not put the meaning in them that they are generally associated with. We know he is just throwing the words at us and we need to just throw them away.
WE know this. Not everyone else does. And I am sure the words can be hard for the normal ear to hear.
We throw those words away. They don’t mean anything to us. These are the words Declan says that we put value in.
“You are my best friend.”
“We are having so much fun!”
“You are so funny!”
“You make me happy.”
“I love you.”
“I’m having a really good time with you.”
My husband and I talked about the man. He didn’t say anything. He just reacted.
If autism was not a part of our family, we both figured we may have reacted the same way if we were to hear a child yell such hate filled words to his dad in such a public place.
But now we have learned some words don’t mean anything. They are the manifestation of frustration. We have a handful of these moments with Declan every day. And if you happen to be around at that time, just trust us and throw those words away.
Write it all down…what a great idea.this is something that could be useful to all of us.
Thank you!
Hear these words, please — “Keep up the good Mom and Dad!”
Thank you so much, Jeff!
Your eyes are opened when you enter the Autism parenting world. That’s such a good way of looking at that situation. I try to see the verbal outbursts as better than keeping it bottled up inside. You are all doing a fantastic job. Tremendous role models for people like me.
That is a good point. I would rather he get it out than keep it bottled up inside!
I’m the 38th like. See, you just educated at least 38 people to not make a snap judgement when they see a person acting outside of societal confines. Your husband may have good instincts about your blog topics.
Thanks Jeff!
Man, I’ve been thinking to write about this one. I can’t really find the words I want to say, because I KNOW I need to throw them away but am also hurt. My kids are not autistic, but two of them have many autistic tendencies. The mean, mean words when they’re at a low are one of those things. :/
I understand – with Declan I throw them away. With Catelyn I feel the same way as you. She really hurts my feelings and so I send her to her room. It’s tough!
I was hoping you had a magic formula. 😉
It happened again last night. I got the “I hate you” from her in a high pitched scream and sent her to her room. I guess with her I feel like it means more than it does with Declan. He will forget he said it and move on. With her I usually find a paper note thrown to the bottom of the stairs with an “I’m sorry” written on (Sometimes there is a “Do you forgive me” section with yes/no boxes). I think sainthood is the only magic formula – and I am nowhere near that one! Haha…:-)
Welllll…. I’ve an even mix. Two of my boys do it, and the older definitely does it more when we hit hangry time. I try to tell him he can’t talk to me that way and know he knows better, but he invariably does it.
The note is a really cute thing. The insults, not so much. :/
dont we all do that, rack our brains to find the words that will be most hurtful just for the sake of it. loved the post.
Thank you!
Thank you for educating us on this topic. I feel bad your husband felt the need to explain the situation to a stranger who should have been minding his own business. Declan is blessed with great parents who protect him and forgive his words. 💕
Thank you so much!