“WHAT?!?!”
Facing forward to the street I turned my eyes in the direction of the seething anger to my left and raised my eyebrow.
“What do you mean you didn’t buy me any candy today?!?!”
“Catelyn, why would I buy you candy?”
“BECAUSE YOU KNOW I LIKE IT!!!!”
The other children that had gotten off the bus with her turned to see Catelyn screaming, shrugged and continued their way to their homes.
“Catelyn, why don’t you go inside. I will be there in a minute.”
“No,” she stated simply, dropped her book bag to the ground and crossed her arms.
Declan’s bus arrived. I thanked the driver and walked Declan inside asking lightly about his day.
A few seconds later Catelyn came in and slammed the front door shut.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Leftover pizza. Yours is ready on the kitchen table.”
(I am one of those parents that feeds their kids dinner as soon as they come home from school. They play so many sports, that I would rather they snack at 7 or 8 o’clock at night, than be fed dinner before bed.)
“WHAT?!?! I can’t eat THAT!!”
“Okay, then. Why don’t you get yourself a yogurt?”
“No. I am not eating a yogurt either.”
“Catelyn, why don’t you go to your room for a little bit. Get your wits about yourself.”
“NO-UH!”
Then I hear the whine fall into tears. And then a scream.
“THIS. PIZZA. IS. DISGUSTING!!! I cannot eat THIS!!”
“Okay, Catelyn.”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!! YOU ARE SUCH A……..”
Here is where we will put the ear muffs on to respect Catelyn. Please just imagine the mean words of a 10-year-old spoken with fury.
A series of ear-piercing guttural screams are emitted as she stomps up the stairs and slams her bedroom door.
Praise the Lord.
In about a half an hour, she comes back down. Apologizes. Ready for the evening activities ahead. All is forgiven and forgotten.
Catelyn experiences one of these meltdowns about once a week. Always right after school.
For a while I had thought these meltdowns were a sign that something had happened to her that day. Yet she insisted – everything was fine. And I hadn’t received any contact from the teachers indicating otherwise.
Then, as I was scrolling through my news feed, I came across an article about After School Restraint Collapse. And boy, did it hit home!
According to this article here, After School Restraint Collapse is:
“…when kids are at school, many of them are working really hard to hold (it) together. You know, trying to listen to instructions that they might not really want to follow. Trying to share, be a good friend, be accepted by their peers. Trying to sit still all day and do endless work they may have little interest in. And just being a little kid with BIG feelings and trying really freaking hard not to let all those feelings get the better of them.
Then, when they get home, IT. ALL. COMES. OUT.”
Yes, yes, yes!
I researched on. And learned from this article that “Some children are more susceptible to after-school restraint collapse than others. “More sensitive and intense kids, and kids struggling with learning and social skills, will be more likely to be affected,” says Vanessa Lapointe, a parenting educator and registered psychologist in Surrey, BC.”
And interestingly the article adds: “But the after-school restraint collapse meltdown is often about more than just fatigue, thanks to something psychologists call defensive detachment. “Your child really needed you, and you weren’t there,” explains Lapointe. “Now you’re there, but the initial flood of relief is quickly subsumed by a tidal wave of defensive detaching—they’re angry and push you away. “
Well, okay. Makes sense!
The article gives some sound advice on how to handle these meltdowns. Give your child space, don’t take it personally and help them find a way to decompress.
Out of my three kids, Catelyn is the only one that has these after school meltdowns. Bobby grabs a basketball and goes to play, Declan grabs his headphones/device and heads right to his trampoline to bounce his tensions away.
Catelyn needs her space. Once she takes the time to clear her mind, she is fine.
Reading these articles helped me realize this is a very common problem. And helped reiterate some good ideas on how to help Catelyn through these tough afternoons.
Thanks!!!
Sure! Glad you liked it!! 🙂
This makes so much sense, thankyou. My son has had quite a few meltdowns all of which were straight after school or towards the end of the last lesson. When I asked the Paediatrician about these, he said it was possibly due to sensory overload causing excessive amounts of frustration. He said it was quite common amongst autistic children. He offered some ‘calming’ medication, which was a route I didn’t want to go down. Recently he’s come home from school and immediately gone on his trampoline for 30 minutes. It seems to be helping.
I was so happy to find this information – it helped me understand what she was going through. Declan does the same – he comes right home and jumps on his trampoline for about 30 minutes – I think it helps him a lot!
My four year old daughter does it. I just step back and breathe. Always quick to apologise after “sorry for being mean, mummy” it’s ok. It happens less as the school year goes on. We will figure it out together
Good to hear that it happens less as the school year goes on!
Literally just finished dealing with one after reading this 😂
Oh no! Bummer 🙂
My little brother had his daily meltdowns on the bus trip home (we rode the bus for an hour). Was not a good thing. But at least he didn’t take it out on my mom!
So glad he had you there for him!
So glad you shared this! Every once in a while a grand will behave this way, or retreat into sullen silence. I’ve not encountered this, my kids immediately dashed outside to play and work off steam and over dinner, we’d talk about their day and we had 2 categories, one the best part (changing frame of mind) then the difficulties – whether issues with other kids, struggles in class, whatever….work out a solution together. Today’s kids are for more prone to frustration and with the advent of tablets ipads and social media, bombarded by thoughts ideas and ways to circumvent reality. I’m going to look into this further because there are occasions when dealing with the grands it would work. Lets face it, we all need some time and space for us, as adults, so why wouldn’t it be true of kids?! too.
I’m so glad you found this helpful! I agree – even as adults we need time and space as well. So of course it makes sense the kids need some too!
This makes perfect sense! I’ve been experiencing some of this myself and this gives me a new way to think about it! I get when my kids come back from their dads and they act this way because they’ve been holding it together in front of him and they consider me a safe space….I didn’t think about something similar happening at school. Thanks for posting this!
Oh, wonderful! I am so glad you found this helpful. What you are saying makes sense in the same way I see it after school. You bet!
Interesting…the other thing to think about is hormones in i.e., her period may start soon! I know weird, but both my daughters went through those emotions like that at that same age…and surprise, it was a whole new journey of trying to tell her how to keep track, let understand what the heck a period was!
Yes, I would have questioned hormones as well, especially now – but this has been one of those things that has happened for many years. It was helpful to find the articles that really painted a perfect Catelyn picture.
Robyn, you are a saint!!! And I love what you wrote right in the middle of the meltdown….”Praise the Lord.” Your perspective is so good! I admire that you know your children well enough to know that what is going on with them is often NOT what is really going on with them. There is such wisdom there!!!!
Thanks Jeff! I really appreciate your kind words! I didn’t start here – it took some years to see their “bigger picture” – but taking that step back has really helped. Them and me! 🙂
I always learn from y’all, Robyn!
I might have a bit of after *work* restraint collapse. Eli generally decompressed with 20 minutes of Netflix. But in truth he has a better evening if he avoids devices altogether.
One of the articles talked about how adults go through this too after work. Makes sense!
This does make sense. My four year old grandson now has the whole JK, day at school and some days day care as well with two working parents, leaves him ready for a meltdown. I like your idea of dinner and snack later after activities too. Very good idea!
Thank you, Anne!
From the time they were eight years old, I simply worked under the assumption that my boys were insane and they didn’t disappoint…
You always make me smile 🙂
Thanks so much for writing about this!! We deal with this almost every day in our house since our son started kindergarten & couldn’t understand why! Much appreciated 😊
I’m glad you liked it!
One of my nephews is like this. No meltdown but he’s a terror. He holds it in in order to be ‘good’ – he’s a very active, always busy kid. Sitting still is hard for him. When he gets home he just…unleashes.
I was glad to come across this material. It helped explain the behavior that looked like my daughter was just being really bad. She was going through something else.
My daughter has been having meltdowns A LOT!!! it is very tiring, as you know. She is homeschooled and does it throughout the day. More after her Dad get home from work.
Meltdowns are so hard. Thinking of you guys!
Thank you