Bobby had a hard time in his last daycare.
I had gotten this new fancy job, with a new fancy title. I had to wear new fancy clothes.
So, I put the kids in a new fancy daycare closer to my new job.
It was so fancy it wasn’t even called a “daycare” anymore. It was an “Early Learning Center.” This new center was going to teach my children everything. They weren’t just going to teach my children how to read. No. The promised to teach my children about art, music – and oh yes – another language.
My kids didn’t get those bonuses while they were at this center.
Bobby was having such a hard time at this center I was getting calls daily to come pick him up and take him home. Most days I got the call at noon.
Bobby was so well known as the problem child in that center, that when Catelyn’s teacher began to let out big sighs to discuss Catelyn’s behavior – I just ignored her.
“These teachers don’t like my kids.”
I got the help that was required for Bobby so he could stay at the center. And because I wasn’t sure what kind of help he was going to need in Kindergarten, I decided to become a stay at home mom.
When Bobby started Kindergarten, I sat with the same fear I possessed every day he went to that center. I waited for the teacher to call to tell me how awful his behavior was.
The call never came.
When I went to his parent teacher conference, I sat gripping the table with white knuckles waiting to be admonished for his behavior. When the teacher never mentioned behavior, I asked.
“Behavior problem? Bobby?!? Gosh no!”
And I let out a sigh of relief. “It WAS the teacher at that stupid center,” I thought, “she just didn’t like him, and he could tell.”
When Declan started having problems, I realized I was going to be staying at home longer than expected. He was, by far, the hardest of my children to watch. If you need a baseline, we were told he was not allowed at our church anymore. If a church was unable to watch him for one hour while I attended service, what was a daycare going to say? From my experience with my other kids, I had a pretty good idea. And I didn’t know of any special need’s daycares.
Through the subsequent years, I have gotten a handful of calls where the kids have made the wrong choice. But nothing too big.
Everything has been free and clear. Until now.
Now, I am not getting calls. I am sitting on the sidelines watching Catelyn face adversity from her teacher.
I see projects come home that get all points for accuracy but only 1/5 for “neatness.” “Neatness” is pretty subjective, right? Even taking off my “mom eyes” I see the projects are neat.
Another round of missed points for not turning an assignment in at the end of a class period. A class period the Principal (the Principal!) was meeting with The Autism Club to plan activities for autism awareness in the school.
The list goes on.
As I watch these projects come home. As I listen to the things Catelyn’s teacher says to her, I just shake my head. This isn’t a battle she nor I are going to win. I have just mentally surmised one thing.
Catelyn’s teacher just doesn’t like her.
I know how hard Catelyn can be at times. How impulsive, how overstimulated, all the difficulties she has with emotional regulation.
And I see how it affects the teacher in Catelyn’s grades.
Which leads me to say one thing to Catelyn.
“Don’t worry about your grades. Just do your best.”
Sometimes grades or getting calls to come get your kid who is a behavior issue, are not really indicative of my kids’ effort. Sometimes a teacher is not going to like my kids. But if I know they are trying their best and still being respectful, I could really care less and will work to just get them through the year emotionally intact.
You said it. Their relationship with their teacher is IMPERATIVE. I had to move classes for my kids who are affected more; my oldest son had to do more of the ‘just bear with it’ you’re facing with Catelyn’s.
Funny thing is that, with him and the teachers that aren’t so good, he usually didn’t like the TEACHER but she had nothing but praise for him. Guess he’s a good faker.
It really is so important. Catelyn isn’t complaining to me – I just see it happening and I don’t want her to get stressed out about not getting good grades. Because I do not feel like it is lack of effort on her part. For Declan, he is so sensitive to words people say to him that I am so very thankful 1. He’s my youngest because my other two have been through the school and I know who to avoid for his sake. 2. Since he is on an IEP I can request he not be placed with certain teachers. I just couldn’t imagine him having to go through what Catelyn is. Would be a nightmare.
Yes; my son is night and day with the wrong or right fits.
You’re so right, Robyn. I know exactly what you mean about teachers. Nathan’s current teacher doesn’t ‘get’ him and we’re not massively happy, but a lot of the assistants do, so that helps. Your post brought back all kinds of early memories of how awful these ‘professionals’ can be. I remember Nathan being ‘uninvited’ to the preschool Christmas party – they were terrible with him. That was when I took him out of there with some strong words.
Just get them through the year intact and grades don’t matter in situations like this. Besides, how many successful people are there out there who did badly at school? Loads! At the end of the day it doesn’t matter – what does matter is that they are secure and develop into the best human beings they can, and with a mum like you, they can’t fail at that. 🙂
I totally agree. In the big picture, she is in fifth grade. As long as she is trying, don’t worry about your grades. They don’t matter. Have fun, do your best – don’t let your teacher get you down. Wow, I would have had some words to say too about the professionals uninviting a student! Ugh! That is awful. I agree – what matters is we make them feel good about themselves so they can develop into the best little human beings they can! Thank you, Alli!
You’re welcome, Robyn. Thank you! 🙂
The relationship is so important. It was hit or miss with his teacher at primary school. It worked or it didn’t.Such a small school you had one teacher covering 3 year groups in one class. In the new school he has 12 different teachers covering all the lessons. Some clearly get him, some don’t and some don’t seem to care. With our son he won’t say much as he doesn’t want to get any of the teachers into trouble.
I agree. Right now Catelyn says the teacher yells at her all the time. Well, she says the teacher has identified one boy and one girl who get yelled at whenever the class is in disarray. And she is the chosen girl. Just makes for a tough year. The kids have had moments where a teacher may have had issue with something they did – and some of what they have done has been wrong. This just feels plain and simple – the teacher doesn’t like her. Really stinks.
It does. How do you explain that to Catelyn. It’s not fair. You must be pulling your hair out.
You make C feel so loved. That’s going to help so much.
Over the years, we’ve mostly had teachers who were willing to put in some extra effort to support our son, and things have gone well. In the handful of cases where the teacher saw his behavior as willful (or even a personal affront), things went less well.
This year, after he rough start in a few classes and a failing grade in band (of all things) we were able to get him a 504. Now the teachers all put in the extra effort regardless of whether they want to or not, and his grades have skyrocketed.
It doesn’t seem right that Cate hasn’t been offered a 504 or an IEP. I think 80% of the teachers naturally have the flexibility to work with special needs kids, but 20% are just not going to offer the extra support/understanding without a mandate.
Exactly. This teacher sees “problem” not “requires support.” And without the 504 she just isn’t going to get support. I am happy to hear you were able to get one. And that his grades have skyrocketed. That is great news.
Love this, thank you
It is an absolute fact for our kids. A kind and understanding teacher means good school year or it could be a big problem for us with teachers who focus just on the “problem”.
I agree!