I sat and watched the clock while the circle just twirled.
8:19 AM
“The meeting host will let you in soon.” The message read as the blue circle continued to swirl.
8:20
It was time for Declan’s IEP. And like all other essential meetings that can’t take place in person, this meeting was to be held on Zoom at 8:20 AM.
8:21
8:22
I can’t tell you how tortuous these anticipatory minutes are to a person with social anxiety.
8:23
8:24
Or for any parent waiting for the dreaded IEP to take place.
There would be a lot of new faces from previous years. This year not only did Declan have a new teacher, but he also had a new special education teacher, a new speech therapist, and there was a new principal.
I understood what was happening. The IEP team was already meeting without me. They were planning on how to handle me. Have I ever given them cause to feel like they needed to “handle” me? I guess it depends on who you ask.
I thought back through the school year. Two days before school started, I sent a three-paragraph email to the teacher—a very high-level description of Declan – his strengths, his triggers, his likes, and dislikes. The teacher never responded to the email. The teacher also ignored subsequent unrelated emails from me. When Declan was having a hard time with certain school assignments and had rough nights, I reached out to the teacher. Only to be told, “I have no idea what you are talking about.” The behavior chart that Declan’s previous teacher created and had written into the IEP for this year was dismissed. Well, if the behavior chart was filled out, it was completed by Declan or his 1/1 aid.
In general, any attempt made by me to communicate with the teacher was met with silence or ridicule. I was the problem. It also became apparent to me – the teacher did not want me involved in any part of Declan’s school day, and she didn’t want to know one thing about any struggles at home – school or non-school related. She had control.
8:25
When Declan was in his Special Education preschool, there was a strong connection between school and home. They worked so hard on teaching Declan social skills, life skills, and development. There were daily communication and resources provided back and forth from home to school and school to home to help Declan succeed.
In kindergarten and first grade, Declan had the same teacher. With that kind of familiarity, Declan let “himself” out more – good and bad – as he was more comfortable with his teacher. She and I had a lot of contact. There was a lot of problem-solving. I rewarded Declan at home for a good school day as the teacher asked me to. So Declan knew we were collaborating. It worked. He had better school days then.
New second-grade teacher, new personality, new plan – no collaboration. At least not with me. I realized I was out of the “team.”
At 8:26, I went to click “leave meeting.” Maybe I would just give it five minutes and try again. Perhaps I had the wrong address.
Just as I clicked to exit, I was allowed in and saw the members of Declan’s IEP team. They were all on the same page and ready to “handle” me.
I am happy to say that nothing is changing in Declan’s IEP service wise. The school team deemed the best way to support Declan.
I made only one reference to home to the social skills teacher. I explained Declan’s trouble translating the social skills he is learning in her office to playdates and friends on the street. With pressured speech, I was able to provide an example. As the social skills teacher genuinely smiled, nodded, took notes, and mentioned she had some ways to work with that – the TEACHER told me how I should handle those problems in the future.
It was hard not to make a face or think she was giving me parenting advice. Did she really think I didn’t know how to handle the situation? I was pointing out Declan’s difficulty with real-life social skills application to his social skills teacher. The classroom teacher was setting a clear boundary. If the issue occurred at home, then we need to deal with it at home.
I was further shocked when I asked the teacher if the homework Declan was submitting looked okay, only to be told none of the work mattered at the elementary level. It wasn’t being checked. All they were checking was if the child signed in for attendance. Do you know how much time I have spent helping Declan with his homework? How much money replacing paper and printer ink for worksheets? How many times Declan has yelled at me, “Mom teacher,” about “School teacher” assignments that were “too hard?”
Well, I can tell you right now we are done with school work. Thankfully, we are done with all of it.
This year felt like a big transition year. Declan generally did okay with all the new members of his new team. His biggest struggle was to complete inflexible assignments that made him feel bad about himself.
It was a big transition for me, as well. This was the first year I could not work with his teacher. Our personalities clashed.
I’m just glad the year is over and we can move forward. Ready for third grade!
Robyn, I am so sorry that you have an unpleasant experience. I can only imagine what it must feel like to always be in fight mode, a gang vs one of you… and to do all on a virtual environment where discussions become even more anxiety inducing. Very frustrating to hear how easily dismissive they were of the work that you put into the school work. I’m sorry that did not go well. On the bright side, I’m glad you can call it a day with this school year and hope you and the family can enjoy some rest this summer and get a fresh start next year.
Thank you! That is a huge problem of the IEP – they are all together and the parent can be the odd man out. This was the first year I felt the “them” on one side and “me” all alone. So stressful! I am so glad this year is over! We are ready to move on!
It does, unfortunately, get harder as the kids get older and expectations are often higher and resources in the classroom are often fewer and hence parents are often left to fend and fight for them. I have the sense you’re not one who is shy to put up a good fight for D. 🙂 Good luck. I know it’s exhausting but he is in good hands!
It’s just staggering. I can understand differences in perception. I accept that you get great teachers and you get no so good teachers. But what I can’t accept is a teacher doing nothing. All kids deserve a level of care. Sadly we have come across the same attitudes. Even at later years in school. I also then can’t accept being told how to parent by the same teachers. I so hope you get a teacher who cares next year. x
We have been spoiled with such great teachers so far – this was not what I was expecting. It all felt so unprofessional from the start. Who doesn’t answer an email about a special needs child? Who doesn’t answer any emails? And the word choice when she did. It was a tough year. I am hopeful for years to come but I am sure we will hit this kind of speed bump ahead. Thank you!! x
I’m with Gary, I hope Declan gets a better classroom teacher next year. As if those IEP meetings aren’t bad enough… ugh!
We made sure to spend a LOT of time talking to the Special Ed person. She really got involved with Ben’s case (is case the right word?) and helped steer things in the right direction. When we had the meeting to move Ben out of district schools to where he goes now, there was lots of hugs and tears. We WERE a team.
Daughter got his “Quarterly Report” in the mail yesterday and we were talking about his next IEP in Dec/Jan. I think this past year will be a write off and next year will be a do-over.
How frustrating about the homework! Ridiculous to assign it then🤬🤬
When things first started happening (or not happening, I should say by not answering my emails) I had thought about touching base with the special education teacher. If it was the same teacher I had last year I would have done it in a heart beat as we had such a good relationship. But the spec ed teacher was new to me and could have a close relationship with the school teacher and then I could have really stuck my foot in it.
I saw on the IEP some of D’s winter benchmarks had tanked. They were unable to do the spring ones so it’s hard to say where he is at. I was thinking the same and wondering how are they going to be moving so many kids up that have missed so many months of instructions. Are they just going to start the school year where the grade before left off? Or start as they would with any grade year? Be interesting to see.
Oh my goodness, I just couldn’t believe it. I have pretty much given up my day and tailored my hours around the kids school work. To say that all that work didn’t matter. I couldn’t believe she would admit that to me. Bleh!
I was just talking about this very thing with my nephew whose stepdaughter has a learning disability. He was talking about all the people sitting around the table talking at he and his wife, instead of talking with them. We had those years, too, where everyone around the table acted as if we had no clue what we were talking about. It is a horrible feeling. I am glad to hear you are done with this year…hopefully next year’s teachers are a bit more open to you.
Exactly! All I heard was, “Do you have any questions?” Over and over again. They were just talking at me and wanted no input of mine. There was a lot of school stress this year that I really tried to work with the teacher on but the same – to her I had no idea what I was talking about. Thank you! I hope so!
Oh, that is so disheartening… I hope next class year is better for all of you.
Thank you!!
Ouch! Poor you; that sounds very frustrating. Yes, parents are often treated like the ‘problem’ from the school’s perspective and it’s usually because the parent is on to the fact that something is amiss and management don’t like it. You did well to stand your ground. You are the mum and you know Declan best, so I say follow his cues and his lead as to how he’s doing once he’s back.
Yes, I got the general sense “Parents should be seen but not heard” and the second I were to say something I was the problem. Thank you!
I’m very sorry and also surprised at reading all of this. I worked as a parent liaison at a public school in Queens, NYC and I helped parents through special education questions and concerns as well as many other topics. Never experienced anything like this. None of this would have gone if I had anything to do with it. 😀 You are a great advocate for Declan.
Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel like I am too scared to speak up. In this case, they weren’t taking anything away and the only problem I had was with how unprofessional his teacher was in working with me and in making Declan do assignments that caused him great social stress. It is good to know there are others out there that can help when situations like this go bad. Thank you!!
How can they being great teachers, if they don’t hear you out , and listen what you have to say, when you are the most important factor in Declan’s life? Wish you better luck this year.
Thank you so much!!
You are welcome.
Hi Robyn, I haven’t read all the comments but first off that is terribly upsetting. We had a horrific IEP experience and had to hire and advocate to help us. She was amazing. Have you ever considered hiring and advocate? I will never attend another IEP meeting without one. Also, my son’s ABA therapist and the BCBA and his CARD coordinator all attended. I find having the more people on my son’s team the better. Unfortunately the IEP team at the school/district level don’t always have the best interest of the child. Sad, but true.
You know, that is so true. This was the first year that I felt a “me” and “them” experience, which was really upsetting. I am aware of different advocates in our area that I may have to utilize. Thank you!
The advocate we used is the founder of a nonprofit and she offers her services nationwide. You can find her, Jessica Barisano at Collaborative Corner for Exceptional Children.
My son’s advocate works remotely and she runs a nonprofit and is awesome. Check her out at Collaborative Corner for Exceptional Children
That teacher sounds like an a-hole. We’ had a good mix this year, 9 out of 10 got it. It’s hard when there’s just one teacher and they don’t get it. We had that one year and it was truly painful. You’re done, or just about. Hoping for a better teacher next year.
I’m glad to be done. I’m hoping for the same!
This situation sounds stressful and upsetting. I would have thought a teacher would appreciate the information from home to give them an insight into the child and what makes them tick. To not respond to your initial email is just rude. To admit that they haven’t even been checking all the work Declan has worked so hard on is just, well, lazy! I’d be glad to se the back of the year too. I hope next term is much better for your boy. What a shame.
Hey there! Yes, it was a tough one. I didn’t know what the disconnect was from the very start but not responding was very unprofessional. I’m really hopeful for next year too!
A sigh of relief that lasts the entire summer? I’d take that…
Me too!
You’ve written about this year before. So horrible. I wonder if you will have the same sped teacher next year as you do this year? If so, you might want to consider searching for an advocate like bigabilities suggested. Advocates can be intimidating to teachers but can be very helpful in situations like you faced this year. What do you know about the third grade teachers from previous experiences and from word of mouth. If you have heard good things about one of them you might approach the principal with “I think Miss X has a teaching style that might work well with Declan’s learning style because…” Having a whole new team can sure make you feel like you are left out of the loop. Sorry you and D had a year like this.
Thanks, Debbie. It was definitely difficult being the odd man out. I was concerned they were going to use their power in a way that would hurt Declan, by taking services away but I am thankful they didn’t. If I ever thought they were going to do that, and for the wrong reasons then I would consider bringing in an advocate. I guess the hard part is knowing if they were going to change something – that’s the hard part. I don’t know the thrid grade teachers. It is the one year I am kind of lost. Bobby had a teacher that assigned a TON of homework and had a hard time with a lot of boys – she felt she had to keep them all separate. She would probably be a bad fit. Catelyn’s teacher was nice, but Catelyn was having a real hard time emotionally. In order to get through the year I feel the teacher didn’t address any of the bigger issues or call for support, she just wanted to get through the year and through with dealing with Catelyn. Then I don’t know anyone else. Hopefully it will all work out that D gets the perfect teacher for his needs and she communicates openly to the home. Fingers crossed!
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Thank you!
Those meetings (I attended my own and was probably more of a pain than the adults in my family) taught me more about dealing with difficult people than anything else. It’s so sad when the real point of the meetings is supposed to be helping and making things better. But some people don’t want to listen to any other solutions than their own. I’m sorry you had such a tough time and hope next year will be better.
Thank you! Mee too!