When I was four, I wandered away from my family.
We were in the process of moving and were looking at our soon to be house.
Well, I wasn’t. What fun is that for a four-year-old?
I decided to walk the streets until I saw a little girl my age playing, and I joined her.
Eventually her mother noticed I was there and began to ask questions.
Unfortunately, at the ripe age of four I only knew the answer to one.
“My name is Robyn.”
I didn’t know where my parents were, I didn’t know what house they were in. I was just a girl looking for a friend.
The other mom realized where I had probably come from and reunited me with my family.
Recently, three words have been said a little too frequently.
“Where was he?”
Three words spoken with mounds of relief, every time.
It’s a question I have had to ask twice in the past two and a half weeks since school started.
We’ve been through the ebb and flow of back to school. To my surprise, Declan was EXCITED to start school. He felt school was fitting for him as it was a place to get “even smarter.” He had even made a comment in passing, “I guess I’ll be the nerd kid” with a shrug.
As the days have worn on (eleven and half days to be exact) his mood towards school has waned. And chilled.
We’re back to the “I hate school” blues. Tears and hopes for illness to prevent school attendance.
The school lets me know they’d never know he was so upset about school. At school he’s generally happy, attentive, respectful and helpful towards peers.
Then Declan comes home. And generally, falls apart.
I recognize he is holding together for school and then just letting it all out when he gets home.
Tears over dinner. Tears over toys. Mean words. Threats.
Or I’ll watch Declan walk up and down the street in frustration and think, “A walk will do him good!”
But twice, we’ve watched Declan take a walk. And then a couple minutes later, he was gone.
Walking is a great coping skill. Wandering is dangerous.
Declan was given parameters when he was given more space and independence to be outside with moderate supervision.
But the world gives him things to look at outside of those parameters and Declan feels the need to investigate forgetting the rules and parameters.
Just like my four-year-old self, Declan saw a cat on another street once and went to visit.
By the time I was five or six though, I could tell you where I lived, who my parents were and where they were. I may not have known my phone number, but my risk of being lost went significantly down.
At eight, Declan is still unable to answer these questions. I know he doesn’t know our address (a new fascination with Google Maps has me repeating our address repeatedly so he can see our house online) or our phone number.
And I question if he would talk to a stranger who asked him.
When the big kids started to play outside, they played with the other kids on the street. Declan doesn’t play with others generally. He just walks or acts out a scene from his head.
Giving Declan the ability to walk up and down the street has been a learning curve. Thankfully he has never been out of sight for more than a couple minutes, so we know he’s close and the general direction he was walking in.
But I am more aware of the information Declan is going to need to obtain, either on his person or in his head, if he is going to continue this freedom.
I hope his “blues” are just the new year adjustment period and that they pass quickly. 🤞🏻
Ben’s teacher tells us that Ben knows his address and our names (we all have different last names) and our cell phone numbers, but I cant get him to say them. I doubt anyone else could if he got lost.
Giving kids more space is so hard for us parents. I still worry about my daughters and they’re 24 and 30!😯 It’s great that Declan is doing well enough to have some freedom. Ben is still a runner. He elopes from his classroom and it’s our biggest fear at home.
I used to joke that a birthmark on my head was where my mother had the tracker inserted. Now I think about getting one of those tracking systems for Ben.
It is hard, I agree – my oldest is asking to do things now that involve the next step of freedom and I am constantly worried. It is great – I do like for him to get out and walk around (granted I’m constantly walking passed the front door to watch him) but he wants to – and I am learning – under the right circumstances he is doing okay with it. We do have a tracker that is in his school bag for school and he wears when we go anywhere just for those “Oh, what is this shiny thing while I completely forget to stay with my parents.” I really need to just make him wear it during play hours. Most of the time he is inside on his trampoline but just having it on his being while he is outside would really help until I get the sense he knows where his house is – if not the address then it’s location. We use Anglesense. I really do like it.
I’ve heard good things about them. That’s what I’ve been looking at. Glad to have another positive opinion.💌
Yes! I looked into this but wasn’t so sure since it only stayed in back pack. We were having trouble with her running-hiring at school (without her backpack) on. Ugggg….
You can lock it onto their clothes – we use it on his person when we are I big busy places. I bought him cargo shorts so I could lock it into the cargo pocket so it wouldn’t be too much of a nuisance for him. But it being locked on and him unable to take it off can sometimes rile him – so I save using it just for those places. But I think I am going to insist on using it at home when he likes to go out just to be safe.
Your wandering away scenario is similar to a dream I used to have when my kids were little. One minute they were therwe, the next minute, poof, they were gone. Your parents must have freaked. One day Eli didn’t come home on the bus. We started looking for him by calling the school and no one knew where he was. After freaking out for about 20 minutes we learned that he had been asleep on the bus. It’s all extremely scary.
Do you read Meditation in Motion? It’s a running/spirituality blog from Littiz PA. A few times recently there has been big overlap in the titles of your posts. Today they are right next to each other in my reader and they’re both about wandering. https://meditationsinmotion.wordpress.com/2019/09/12/into-the-freedom-and-the-wandering/
Oh cool! I’ll have to check it out!
Hi R. Sof did this a lot when she was younger, and every once in a while now. She did it at school and they couldn’t find her for about 15 mins…she was hiding in a bathroom stall. One of her docs said that this behavior was called Eloping. It’s scary as heck. During this time I started researching gps tracking devices, especially fir kids with Autism. I never quite found the perfect one to fit my needs, and then realized that only certain cell phone carriers work with certain watch/phone GPS devices so I gave up fir a while. Have you looked into these?
We use Anglesense and like it. I put it in his backpack for school. If I wanted to I could hear what was happening around him and talk to him through it too. We also use it when we go to big busy places. Declan just doesn’t prefer to wear it on his body and he doesn’t like that he can’t take it off (you lock it onto their clothes). But I think I am going to have to use it for outside time anymore just to be safe for awhile.
Parenting is always a balancing act; parenting with issues like Autism is a balancing act where we have to watch them but pretend we’re not…
Have you guys ever tried those locating device things? I think they even have watches if he’ll wear one.
Looks like someone already suggested it. 🙂
Good point! I agree.
Great post, Robyn, and a very real issue that we all have to consider. It’s more of a worry when kids wander than ever nowadays. I’m very lucky in that Nathan doesn’t wander, but I know many who do, and who have – autistic and otherwise. I remember how ill I felt when we managed to lose Maddie in a supermarket once, and that was bad enough. What was probably little more than five minutes felt like five hours. At least you know to teach him the information he needs should he get into any sticky situation. And I’m glad to hear Declan doesn’t roam far, but it’s definitely a balancing act to get the intervention level right. Thanks for highlighting the wandering issue, Robyn. 🙂
Thank you, Alli! You’re right – it is an issue for all kids. I know those five hour minutes with my older two as well when they were toddlers. And I did it myself! I just saw what the difference was as I aged and my older kids aged – they could tell more information about where they lived or where I was. Now I know what to focus on with Declan – maybe even just putting the info in his pocket. He does well going for a walk around our house. But sometimes he gets distracted and that gets scary. Thanks again, Alli! 🙂
It sounds as though you’re onto it very well, Robyn. The pocket idea sounds a good measure in the meantime while he’s learning the info he needs. I have to admit I wandered off a couple of times too when I was a kid. I think we/they all do at some time or other. It’s always worse for the parents though, as we’re the ones who have to put up with being scared out of our wits. Usually the kids just don’t think. I know I didn’t. Oh, the joys of having kids, eh? 🙂
Haha, Yes! Oh, the joys 🙂
Chelsea has already said this but it is a balancing act. You have to keep adding weight until it shifts then you need to look at the other side. That’s how I look at it with our son. He’s a few years older and my worry is not him not knowing where he lives. But when he goes into one of his dreams it’s the head down walking across the road without looking thing. Such a worry but not giving him any freedoms would be so damaging as well. When he was younger we would buy him the shoes which have a little toy in the sole. We took the toy out and put a little map with our details on. Son was told to find a policeman or go into the nearest shop and get out the map. Thankfully he never needed it. But I understand how tough it is for you. And son understands the hating school bit so well.
It is a balancing act – that is such a good way to put it. Declan also sees other kids outside playing, and to him, he figures and says, “I’m a kid too and I want to go outside.” So we tried it and know I realize what we need to focus on. Well, we made it through one week of happy school and then the school mood soured. Just the rest of the school year to go 🙂
I found that my children and now my grandchildren enjoy the first few weeks back then it hits them it’s an everyday experience 🙄 I hope he settles down again soon
Me too! Thanks Elaine! For your grandkids too 🙂