I skittishly half jogged, half speed walked across the crowded football field, nervously turning every few seconds to ensure Declan was behind me.
“There he is,” I thought as I saw Bobby standing in line with his football team, preparing for their team picture. His arms were crossed across his chest, his weight on his left leg, head shaking back and forth.
We had arrived at the field a half an hour earlier, both of us exclaiming to the other, “I thought you had them!” When we realized neither of us brought the necessary picture order forms. While Bobby joined his team to wait for photos, I ran home and retrieved the forms.
“Hey,” I said as I approached him, “Here! Whew, I made it in time!”
Bobby’s stance went from frustration to relief.
“Thank goodness,” he replied as he took the papers, “I thought with this crowd you would be too scared to bring the forms out here to me on the field so you wouldn’t. I stood over there and waited as long as I could but then I had to come join my team.”
I looked over to the isolated area to the side of the football field and back to Bobby. He really thought I would be too scared? That I would just leave him without?
“Oh, no. I wasn’t going to leave you without your papers. Well,” I said after a brief pause, “I guess, SMILE for your pictures and I’ll see you after practice.”
I took Declan’s hand and walked back to our car wondering the whole time, “He really thought that?”
Six months later I walked through Bobby’s school towards the cafeteria. There was a large project his entire grade had worked on in small groups. It was time for the projects to go on display to the parents.
I located Bobby and his small group and happily listened as his group presented their project to me. When the presentation was finished, I applauded and looked expectantly at Bobby.
“What’s next?” I asked.
“Now you walk around and see the other projects,” he replied.
“Won’t you come with me?”
“Mom, I have to stay here with my project.” Bobby’s head bowed, but his eyes stayed on mine, “Go ahead and walk around. Don’t be afraid. Just go ahead, you’ll be fine.”
My head popped back in shock. I was filled with apprehension, but I didn’t think he could SEE it.
“I know that,” I said. “I’ll just come back and say goodbye before I leave.”
And for the next fifteen minutes, the amount of time I felt was sufficient, I meandered around the cafeteria, smiling and reading different projects.
Catelyn threw me for a loop recently when she asked me, “Do you think moving as a kid made you have your bad social skills?”
“Really?” I thought, “She sees my bad social skills too?”
But I thought and told her it didn’t. That in elementary school I was in the Girl Scouts and as I set out to get badges for my sash, I purposefully chose projects that didn’t involve others or didn’t require a presentation at the end. I enjoyed reading and writing from a young age, isolative activities. It was in my nature to be okay alone. Granted, nurture came along and fears developed from bad social experiences – but they only added to my nature.
Nature versus Nurture
I’ve always thought about this debate when it came to raising my kids. How much was in their genetic makeup to be outgoing, or at least sociable, and how much was going to come from their experiences? Because, Lord knows, I wasn’t going to be too good at NURTURING something I didn’t possess myself.
When Bobby was little, I always marveled at his ability to be outspoken about his wants with strangers.
If we were at McDonald’s and a toy he already had was in his Happy Meal, he would get upset. He was equally unsatisfied with my response, “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.” Finally, one day I acquiesced and gave him another option.
Seconds later Bobby was at the counter, toy in hand. And I watched as this little four-year-old put the toy on the counter and explained his problem until the adult worker went to the back and brought out a box of toys for Bobby to choose from.
Smiling, new toy in hand, Bobby returned to our table. The interaction had proved to be very rewarding and encouraged him to always speak up.
Declan and Catelyn would refuse to ask for a new toy and would keep the toy they were given. Me too. Did I pass on this nature to be afraid of others?
Thankfully, I don’t think so.
Even though, Declan and Catelyn are diagnosed with autism and inherent in their diagnosis is difficulty in social situations, I see that they WANT to socialize.
Declan has some social fears – strangers, crowds, loud noises. But give him a 1/1 playmate, he’s in! Catelyn has a hard time talking to and being respectful to adults, making and KEEPING friends. But she wants to! Through social skills training and therapy, their social skills are being nurtured towards the successful social interactions they want.
And, apparently, I have been able to teach my kids about social skills through example. I’ve given them a clear picture of what irrational fears look like and what NOT to do if they want to interact with others.
That’s something 😊
And, you said you had nothing to write.
Isn’t it kind of jarring when your son tells you that he has to stay with his team… kind of like he’s joined another clan or something… And, a football team is really cohesive…
I know, I did 🙂 I read another blog this morning and was inspired. This idea has been brewing and, thankfully, it finally got unleashed.
Gosh, yes. Football teams are cohesive – I swear they use the word “family” to describe his football teams. I guess for 3+ full months you see your team every day but Sunday. Tight group!
Like autism, being more introverted is something we’re born with. I can do the social thing, it doesnt mean I like it. I had to learn to fend for myself at a very, very young age.
It’s pretty awesome that Bobby can recognize when someone is uncomfortable in a social setting and he’s compassionate and encouraging. You’re raising some great kids!!💌
Same, I can do it if I have to – but that doesn’t mean that I am not complaining about it days before I have to go out to the point I feel sick. In general, I work under “avoiding people” strategies.
Well, he definitely knows my signs – maybe even better than I do because sometimes I don’t realize I’m showing my discomfort. That is great of him though, you’re right! Thank you!!
You have taught them well.
Thank you, Susie!
Your welcome
I am socially anxious as well. It’s hard to explain. I like people, but being with them makes me very tired. I prefer 1-1 or smaller groups. Structure is comforting. And sometimes, “my own world” is just so much more interesting than having small talk with others! 😅
Same here! I prefer 1/1 and I am the worst in that I need someone to reach out to me. I will never be the one to reach out. Yes! I love “my own world.” I think it is why I can run for hours without watching or listening to anything. Just me and my brain!
Totally! Even though I love music, the radio and TV are always off if I have a say! I just love the quiet. We are all made differently. We can’t all be extraverts and that’s ok!
Your doing a great job as parents. Your great kids are following their own paths. Our football can be the same as well. My last team had T-shirt’s printed. On the front was we live and die together. The back had ‘we usually lose together’. Looking back I think a few stiff drinks helped mask my social awkwardness. These days things like school evenings are the stuff of nightmares for me.
Thank you! That sounds like a great shirt 🙂 Yes, I have been known to use alcohol to get me through some social situations. I’m thinking I should just wear a shirt “I’d rather be reading” to help explain what I can’t say 🙂
Our whole clan is pretty solitary. It’s completely usual to find us all at home on a Saturday night and Sophie will even skip parties because she wants time to herself. On Band Senior night, we needed to escort Sophie across the football field. It was telling how our demeanor differed from the other families around us. They all thought it was the greatest thing. We all thought it was pretty ridiculous.
Our dynamic fits us too. We’re split here. Bob can’t sit still very well and I can sit still just fine. So he handles our social demands and I handle the kids. It’s perfect.
Wow that’s interesting, how perceptive they all are and how great that they can vocalise their thoughts 😊
I agree! The older children completely caught me off guard. I know I have some social hang ups but I didn’t realize they were obvious to them. And for Bobby to encourage me – it was nice of him, but it really threw me off.
My husband and I are the stay at home kind but my adult children, who are in their thirties, range from extremely social to mildly social. After reading your post, a recent conversation with my husband popped into my head. This week, when the server at a restaurant asked how our meal was, we both automatically said fine, even though the meat was tough and dry. I asked him why we said that and we talked about the fact that our daughter would have complained and probably have gotten the meal for free. When she shops she asks if the sales person can give her a better price and usually gets it. I wish I could be more like my daughter in that respect. Don’t know where she learned that skill.
Bobby is the same way! My husband and I are just like you and yours. Everything is always “fine” even if it isn’t. And somehow we created a kid that speaks up?! It’s so interesting!
I am the same way about social situations and my oldest tries to calm me when I get nervous. It’s been better lately since starting some natural progesterone for a hormone imbalance but I do think it’s somewhat in my nature to be introverted. I also did a lot of quiet things by myself as a child – writing, drawing, playing on my own. My son recently became more introverted and started dealing with social anxiety and I feel so bad because I feel like I passed it on to him. Actually, I feel like my husband and I passed it on to him because my husband has it worse than me. Oddly, we both have worked as reporters and we’re find dealing with the public, but not if we have to talk about ourselves and socialize in that way.
My family of origin was very quiet. All of us were pretty introverted and we kept to ourselves mostly. I have wondered if that has contributed to my personality, but then my oldest comes along and does something so unlike me or his father. What did I pass on and what did he acquire through experience? It’s so tough to say.