“I can’t!” Declan cried looking at the paper in front of him. In a brief fit of rage, he screamed and grabbed the paper up, and crumpled half of it into a ball.
“Okay, you don’t have to. If you don’t want to be top dog, I will just tell your teacher. No big deal.”
Declan lowered his head and looked at the ball of paper in his hands. Still crying, he put the paper on the table and began to flatten it out.
“I WANT to be top dog, but….”
Declan trailed off. Being top dog of the week in Declan’s classroom is something special. One student gets to get a little bit extra attention and do fun things like be the line leader.
“But what, bud?” I asked.
“But I don’t want to answer these questions! I’m too EMBARRASSED……” Declan cried and angrily squeezed the paper beneath his fingers.
“Declan, this is supposed to make you feel special. If a question makes you upset and not feel special, then you don’t have to answer it. Okay?”
After reading through each one, Declan chose three. He covered up half the questions with a megalodon tooth and feeling satisfied with his work, Declan happily placed his paper in his bag, ready to be top dog.
The questions he was too embarrassed to answer? Favorite game to play, favorite food to eat, favorite place to play to name a few.
“I’m too embarrassed” is a phrase that is popping up more and more frequently from Declan these days. It is a phrase said with great emotion, many tears, and depending on the embarrassing event or project, it could go on for hours. Many times, leading up to the refusal to return to school.
Feeling embarrassed is something new for Declan. He’s had fears before, sure. Mostly present when a stranger tries to talk with him, or gets too close to him, but not embarrassed. See those hands on the left there? They belonged to a gentleman trying to talk with Declan about force at a museum exhibit. The conversation was one sided. Declan was scared the second the man showed up.
Why is Declan embarrassed to say what his favorite color is? Why is he embarrassed to talk about his dogs? Maybe he’s using the wrong word. Maybe not embarrassed, but exposed?
This is the first mention of embarrassment from any of the kids. The only other time I heard a child voice they were embarrassed was when I tried to say goodbye to Catelyn when I dropped her off at preschool. I learned my lesson, with her, there.
It was in between two different episodes of embarrassment that Declan surprised me. As I was lost in a world of fiction, Declan came into view with his head set on.
“Mom.”
“Hmmm? What.”
“I don’t want to go to middle school. In elementary school the teachers make the other kids be nice to me. In middle school no one is going to make people be nice to me. I don’t want to go there.”
As I sat up and pulled my glasses off my nose to register what he had said, Declan walked out of the room, returning his attention to his device.
Did this have to do with his feelings of embarrassment? Has his self-awareness landed on differences? Declan has mentioned he is different from his peers in the past. Is he so focused on what makes him feel different, he’s too embarrassed to admit anything about himself?
This is my first time dealing with embarrassment from one of my children and it feels different. I could see Bobby not wanting to say he loves me in front of his friends, but he still does. Catelyn has always been Miss Independent, forging her way through ups and downs, but never embarrassed. Declan is embarrassed. He’s embarrassed to say his favorite color, his favorite food, his activities. He’s embarrassed to admit anything about himself that make Declan, Declan.
Declan is a likeable child, with likes and dislikes, and lives a fun filled life. It is now my goal for Declan to see all his wonderful qualities. To be himself, to like himself and to see that others REALLY DO like him.
It seems like you do so well at supporting him! 💕 Thank you for sharing this story.
Hopefully, when he feels like he doesn’t have to talk about anything that embarrassed him, he’ll build the confidence to set those boundaries himself. 🙂
Yes, I just want him to feel better. To be less stressed, afraid of being embarrassed. To be happy being him, and you’re right – more confident and sure enough to set his own boundaries 🙂
In my limited exposure opinion, Declan is an Empath. And Hell Yea, to the Megalon tooth!
You know, I think you might be right! He may be an Empath. Oh boy, he could talk all day about that tooth! Loves them!
It’s a tough one as our son goes through similar feelings. It became worse when he started noticing some of the reactions he got from mainly adults. It was often these reactions that he tried to avoid. Didn’t want those reactions embarrassing him in front of the new class. I’m absolutely sure the both of you will find a way through this.
You know, I was thinking about this. To be embarrassed about something it has to remind you of something that you were embarrassed about in the past – but he keeps using the term to talk about possible future embarrassment. Gosh, I wish he could tell me if something happened to trigger these feelings! Thank you! I’m hopeful 🙂
Ya know, all kids go through the embarrassment thing. Well most kids anyway. I remember one of my daughters wore shorts to school her entire 3rd grade year because if she wore long pants “everyone would laugh at her”. I never did figure that one out.
I dont know if it’s the autism per se or just that he has different interests. We know differences are awesome but kids want to be “different” the same way…if that makes sense.
I think you handled it perfectly!💕 As far as “making people be nice”… I’m sure he can tell the difference between ‘have to’ politeness and genuine interest. He’s a sensitive little guy😍
Yeah, I don’t know what is going on. There are so many tears about things and he just can’t vocalize what it the problem really is – just that “I’m too embarrassed.” Did something happen that was embarrassing? Every time I try to ask he just screams and cries harder, repeating the same thing “I’m too embarrassed!” Oh goodness, I don’t know. I guess time will tell.
You know, you’re right! He always calls his siblings out for wanting to play with him (they initiate play) or having to play with him (when Bob or I tell one of them to give him some time). The difference is apparent and he can definitely tell! 🙂
That was pretty smart of you to pick up that subtlety of embarrassed v. exposed. I wouldn’t have done that. In fact I think I may have missed it in the past. With my kids and with myself.
Thanks Jeff! I know there are times I haven’t felt comfortable with my crowd to even admit the simplest things about myself like my favorite color. The crowd will have something to say, maybe even derogatory. I hate attention and would just rather keep myself under lock and key where I am safe. Maybe Declan is the same way but a little more extreme? I don’t know – we’ll see, I guess.
Sigh. There was a time in my life when I was the person saying “that’s your favorite color? You can do better than that.” I was such a dick.
With my kiddo, it’s anxiety (I think). She is aware that she is different from others and she isn’t always sure how to respond, but is afraid to do it “wrong”. Sometimes we play the “what if” game. What if you tell people you like Doc McStuffins… What’s the worst that could happen? (and then we walk through each scenario, a bit like practice) that seems to help. Sometimes we can’t get that far (she is too upset to tell me anything). It’s so hard because you want to help. I feel you on this one, lots!
Oh, I am going to use the “what if” game – that sounds like a great idea. Maybe I’ll understand more what is happening, because I am kind of lost here. Thank you so much for the tip!
At a certain age kids are trying to figuring themselves out and where they belong in this world. I know for my son he doesn’t like attention put onto him or anything that makes him stand out. He knows he is autistic yet being 10 he wants to find his place of fitting in.
That was a great point you identified about Declan feeling embarrassed, but could actually mean the questions made him feel exposed. Another great post!
Yes, Declan sounds like your son in that he doesn’t like attention nor anything to make him stand out. He doesn’t identify as autistic yet (he’s only 8 1/2), I don’t know if he really understands that yet. He does understand that his brain works differently than others and will call himself a “nerd” which is how he feels different than others.
Thank you so much!
I’ve read this post several times over several days thinking about Declan and how he would have looked in my second grade gen ed class or what advice I might give a parent. I remember many 2nd graders, whether they had autism or not, struggle with naming emotions.I had kiddos crawl under a table, run from the room, or scream to me or the class, “Don’t look at me.” I remember that I struggled to identify the emotions that caused those behaviors. Was it anger, fear, or feelings of not fitting in? Something drives the behavior. I, as the teacher, did not always know what might have happened at home that morning, that week, that month. Many times, I did not know what little social exchanges had occurred at lunch or on the playground. In the same way, you, as the mom don’t know what has happened at school. Such challenges! It’s great that you are trying to understand what other feelings he might be experiencing when he used the label embarrassed. I was an actor in my classroom. I acted out emotions that I might be experiencing. I would cover my face and say things like, “I am so embarrassed by the way you all talked in line today because… the principal passed us and must think I am not a good teacher.” My acting plus the because sometimes was helpful for a large class, probably because I don’t live with the children. It’s a thought. I always wished for more parents like you!
Thank you, Debbie! That is a good idea. Whenever I ask Declan to elaborate on what he is feeling, he just gets more upset. But if I demonstrated that might really help him start to say more without me having to ask. Thank you so much for thinking about this – I’ve been so lost!