For those working with Declan, I have found there is a certain look one gets when talking about him.
One hand goes to their heart. The eyes go puppy dog “aww” like and occasionally the “aww” will actually come out.
(Honestly, to know Declan is to love him).
Recently, I had his parent teacher conference at school. In those twenty minutes, I saw the heart grab, “aww” look about 10 times from his teacher and his special education teacher. Truth be told, I had a few heart grabs as well.
“Declan is very aware when one of his classmates is emotional,” his teacher told me, “he will come to me with a very serious face and let me know if a classmate is crying. Before I can even get to the student, Declan is there rubbing their back and telling them it is okay. Even if it is a classmate he has a hard time with. He is always there to offer support. It is so adorable!”
Three heart grabs around the table. Puppy dog eyes and two audible “aww’s” were emitted.
What a sweetheart!
Now change venues.
A couple of weeks ago we were at an event where there was a moonbounce. Declan jumped and bounced and began to play a version of tag with two other boys.
One of the boys got a bloody nose. I walked the boy to find his parents while he continued to dab his nose with his finger to see if it was still bleeding. Once I had the boy with his parents, I returned to the moonbounce to hear.
“Hey kid, let’s go check on the boy with the bloody nose.”
Declan continued to bounce, eyes to the sky.
“C’mon, kid! Let’s go see if he is okay!”
“Declan,” I intervened, “Stop bouncing.”
Declan’s eyes look to me, “What?”
“Go see if the boy with the bloody nose is okay.”
“I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT TO BOUNCE!” Declan shouted and returned his eyes to the sky for some deep jumping.
Where did my empathetic child, who cared so deeply about crying classmates, disappear to?
I thought about Hans Asperger, the child psychologist who originally defined Asperger Syndrome in 1944. Asperger defined a pattern of behaviors and abilities he called “autistic psychopathy.”
From this article, here, “The pattern included “a lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversation, intense absorption in a special interest, and clumsy movements.” Asperger called children with AS “little professors” because of their ability to talk about their favorite subject in great detail.”
And although a lot of that is true for Declan, one thing his teachers and I can say for sure. Declan is not lacking empathy.
Right?
I began to read articles like the one found here, about empathy – the ability to understand what another person is thinking or feeling.
I don’t know if Declan can identify what others are thinking, but he can identify when another person is upset. He may not know why they are upset, but he understands “sad.”
Why?
Turns out I did something right.
When I read this article here, I found one of the best ways to teach a child empathy is to use visual cues. If you remember, or want to read it again (here), we lived in a visual world when Declan was younger. We had feeling faces all over our kitchen that we would point to label the emotion we were 1. Seeing or 2. Feeling.
Declan learned! (Found this the other day when Declan was trying to tell us something while we were watching TV and we asked him to wait until commercial).
And even now, in his social skills training, he continues to recognize his feelings – which only helps him identify feelings in others!
So why didn’t Declan care about the boy with the bloody nose?
My guess? The boy wasn’t crying. He was just dealing calmly with a bloody nose.
Declan did get off and check on the boy – in complete annoyance. Had the boy been crying, I think Declan would have been more compassionate or empathetic. At least, that’s my guess.
In short, to say a person with autism lacks empathy would be a false statement. Declan is very aware when there is an emotion around him and will come to aid as needed.
He’s a sweetheart!
Have to let people with bloody noses know they have to start getting emotional!
Haha – I know! I guess that little boy gets a bloody nose often – cause he wasn’t bothered at all!
He is clearly such a wonderful and caring kid.
My kid is the same virtually always really caring and able to spot emotion. But occasionally he can’t. I assume that this is to do with Aspergers. But don’t believe it’s ever a lack empathy, I believe it’s just down to him seeing the world differently to me. He has different filters to me and differences are good. I’m sure he will look at my actions sometimes and think that was inappropriate or heartless.
Thank you! I think your son is wonderful and caring too 🙂
You’re right! Declan sees the world differently too. And that is good! I have thought that too – if Declan saw me do something and thought it was wrong. He has definitely picked up on it with his siblings. He will point out to them if they are being mean or even “not very nice” to Declan.
My granddaughter often doesn’t read children/people right, and it is so common. She finds it hard to express how she feels even though she has the happy, sad, angry cards.
Yes, I guess I should clarify. I am not saying everyone on the autism spectrum can read emotions. But some can and it would be misleading to say that if you have autism then you lack empathy. You are right!
I just wanted to let you know how it works for her. The more knowledge we all have is so important. 😊
I think it is the person, and how high they are on the spectrum.
I only have to look at Declan’s beautiful eyes and I go awww 🥰
Aww, that is sweet Elaine – thank you!
My youngest son has so much empathy that it’s actually uncomfortable for him to see anyone slightly upset or angry. It makes him anxious. But he will absolutely call attention to the fact that someone is having an emotion that needs comforting.
Our friend’s son, who is on the spectrum, is similar. He notices emotion and then covers his face until he can get away from the person emoting. But he is aware of emotions as well!
All kids lack empathy when the subject is out of sight. As one’s attention span and medium term memory improve, THEN they start to think of their friends and loved ones when they are away.
That’s true. I wasn’t thinking about that when I wrote this one. I don’t think any of my kids think of others feelings when they are separate from them. I should point out my older two aren’t the most empathetic in general.
I will always hope for empathy, but my son does not seem to be able to recognize when other people are hurting. I’ve been sick this week. I look for signs that my son understands why I can’t get up. Why I am huddled on the couch, cocooned in a pile of tissues with a red nose. Nothing shows. It is as though he is a blank slate. But, when I asked him to put the dishes away for me. He did.
I think some children are going to have a harder time displaying what we typically would call empathy. He can’t connect with an emotional need, but he can respond to a direct request for help. It is a step. I just wanted to share for any parent out there who is still struggling to find their child’s emotional bridge.
Yes, thanks for sharing! And I hope you feel better soon 🙂
Thanks. My new policy of holing up and avoiding humanity until Spring might just be my ticket to surviving winter! Stay safe!
–The pattern included “a lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversation, intense absorption in a special interest, and clumsy movements.” Asperger called children with AS “little professors” because of their ability to talk about their favorite subject in great detail.–
Go see Free Solo. Except for the clumsy movements, AS describes Alex Hannold, a rock climber, perfectly. It’s an engaging film with beautiful cinematography. But because it includes non-stop life risking scenes, if you’re sensitive to things like that, pass. I’m terrified of seeing people fall–like off a cliff. This movie made me feel horrible, but Susan loved it
Did you ever see those shows like America’s Funniest Videos where a person does something stupid and will fall in the most horrific way? I always wondered why they were considered funny. Made me get upset. Is the movie equivalent to something like that as far as the fear factor? I am intrigued – I just don’t want to see him get hurt.
Well, remarkably he doesn’t get hurt. There is a scene shot from above where you see a climber fall thousands of feet. I closed my eyes. What I missed was a parachute opening–it was just a base jump–but I spent the whole movie thinking that I just saw someone die. If you’re ok with heights, risk, etc. It’s a really good movie. Me? My whole body hurt afterwards because I was so tense while watching it.
Okay, as long as I know he doesn’t get hurt I can handle it.. I will check it out!
I don’t think it’s ever a lack of empathy. It’s maybe more a struggle to identify complex feelings in others, or to adequately express their own. But that hardly means the feelings aren’t there, and I think we need to be able to meet other people halfway because we’re all on a spectrum of how emotive we are.
I like that – I agree – we are all on a spectrum of how emotive we are. In my relationship, my husband and I always laugh. He is all heart and I am all head. He comes to each life event with love and I come at it with logic. I guess it’s balancing.
I believe that he understands what happened to the boy. But showing empathy through actions may not have manifested and seen. They may have difficulty communicating what is in their minds, same as showing the emotions from what they think. I salute you for helping him find a way to express in visuals what he thinks. lots of love to you.
Thank you!
I love this. I remember one of our specialists questioning our daughter’s ASD diagnosis because, in a book, she could identify emotion. She’s been taught over many years – it didn’t come naturally for sure. Keep pushing mom – it all comes together slowly but surely.
Oh goodness, I really HATE when someone comes along down the line and questions the diagnosis – we used to see a private speech therapist that insisted Declan was “fine” and would lose his diagnosis because he could (albeit eventually) make eye contact with someone. Drove me nuts. So, yeah, we don’t see her anymore. Thank you! You too!
What a great story for other parents. Children with autism don’t lack the ability to have empathy, build meaningful relationships, or see value in others. So much depends on their experiences.
Thank you! I agree!