Oh geez. Why does he always sit like that! Okay, he hasn’t seen me. I can just watch the game from over here.
I take Declan’s hand as we enter they gym. He has his ear phones on and is listening to one of his favorite You Tubers.
“Over here. Let’s sit down.”
We are at one of Bobby’s basketball games. My husband, Bob, brought Bobby early to the game so that Bobby could warm up with his team. Since he got there so early, Bob has a crowd of people sitting around him on the bleachers. There is no way I could possibly climb through a crowd to sit next to him. And then socialize! Floor seats next to the bleachers are fine by me.
Being a socially anxious introvert, there is only so much of the world I want to participate in before I want/need to go home and recharge. Bob is the exact opposite. He is a pure extrovert and needs to be in the world, experiencing it, with lots and lots of people. That is how he is fueled.
Chances are you are going to meet Bob 10 times, you will exchange texts, you will friend each other on social media, you may even go to a bar or a sporting event – all of that before you ever meet me.
Declan and I settle into the wall and I see Bobby on the court. I give him a smile and a thumbs up for good luck. Bobby waves back.
And then I hear it:
“HEY! ROBYN! OVER HERE!”
Bobby’s wave must have alerted Bob to my presence. Shoot. My heart begins to pound a little faster.
I look over smile and wave.
I get the what are you doing? look, followed by the wave. “Come on! Over here!”
Faces start to peer over the bleachers to look at me.
I start sweating.
I look at where he is. On the stupid TOP bleacher. SURROUNDED by people. Everyone would have to move for Declan and I to get up there.
It’s the tale of the Introvert who married an Extrovert. I give him calm and he is great to go to social gatherings with – he does all the talking. But how can I ever understand how much he needs to be out in the world and how can he ever understand how much I don’t? We just give each other a lot of space and understanding.
My heart continues to beat faster. I feel the heat on my chest. I put my hand on the side of my throat and feel the burn.
The blotches are there.
There is only one thing that I know for certain.
There is no way I want to climb those bleachers.
So, I let Bob know we are okay, and we are just going to stay where we are. And the game ensues.
When I saw the prompt word today, blush, I thought about the blotches that can cover my chest, neck and face when I am in a socially uncomfortable position. I wrote about them previously in “”Don’t Look at Me!” Social Anxiety and Me”
The blotches are not blushing. I am not embarrassed nor have I done something stupid and start to blush. I’ve been embarrassed and have done or said a lot of stupid things in my day that have caused me to blush. When I blush, my cheeks feel red. This is different.
I am blotching because my body is reacting to a socially uncomfortable situation. My heart beats faster, I start to sweat. I read online that blotchy skin outbreaks are caused during times of intense stress and anxiety, causing your body to release histamine – a chemical that is released during an allergic reaction. I learn that stress tends to create reaction in your organs and that your largest organ is your skin.
The blotch outbreaks are sudden, and I feel they are out of my control. At most I try to control how far the blotches will go.
I have been working on controlling the anxiety for many years, I guess. I have to say, I am not anxious most days. I have set up a world where I feel fine. But there are moments I am unprepared for, and then my telltale sign will tell you exactly how I feel.
I once read how Corrie Ten Boom was riding in a car driven very fast through the mountains. She was feeling extreme anxiety. She prayed and prayed for God to take it away. He didn’t, but tole her to pray for others. She did and soon found the anxiety was gone. I learned to focus on God’s love for others. It keeps me at peace.
Douglas
You know, I was talking with a friend this past weekend, and she was telling me that she accidentally bumped into a car when she was walking. She said she didn’t do any damage – she had just tripped and fell into it. But she could not control her thoughts. She said they were spiraling fast, out of her control – and they were completely irrational. And she too tried to control her anxiety the same way. She is Muslim and had read that praying for someone else would help control her irrational fears. So she prayed for the owner of the car and felt much better. I am a Christian and do pray, and encourage my kids to pray as a coping strategy. It helps me control the spread of the burn. I will have to add praying for others! Thank you for your feedback!
If you saw your child in danger, all thoughts of yourself disappear as you think only to save the child. Same principal – get involved.
Oh your poor body!!! Histamine levels rise then cortisol gets released to battle the histamines and cortisol levels in flux can lead you to where I am right now… Fibromyalgia.
Some research I’ve done shows me that being (unknown until recently) a Highly Sensitive Person and the stressful job I had and my abusive ex all contributed to me being completely disabled with Fibromyalgia. My pain journey started in my hands from repetitive stress at computers and all the other factors ganged up and took over until I was completely beat.
It’s good that you’re aware of your body’s response to your social anxiety. Please listen to it! It’s not a failing and it’s not your fault. Take care of you!
Both parents were there supporting their son. Each in the environment most comfortable. Sounds like the perfect compromise.
Hugs!!!💌💌💌
That is what the website said too! That cortisol is released as well. Oh dear! I will definitely keep tabs on my body’s responses and listen. It is not your fault either. Take care of you too! Thank you 🙂 Hugs!!!
Hi Robyn. Apart from my sons, you are the only ‘socially anxious introvert’ that I ‘know’. I have the blotches occur on my arms, neck and chest. It is very uncomfortable especially when I feel as if my heart is beating in my throat and I become utterly speechless. So I know how lonely it can make you feel.
I hate that feeling – my heart beating in my throat. Usually when I am that worked up I am in a really uncomfortable social situation around people that don’t know me. And I am expected to say something and it comes out completely forced and breathless. Almost inaudible. And of course the blotches – I really hate the blotches. Even if I feel I am in “control” my body has already tipped everyone off that something is not right. Thanks for sharing, Kim!
It feels good to share. I can’t talk at all when I am in a group of people I don’ know, I just stare at the person talking to me and shake my head. I think some people think I am a mute.
Anxiety is one of my downfalls but I am getting better. Reading God’s word and talking to him has made me better. I am getting stronger with this obstacle everyday.
That is wonderful! Thank you for sharing!
I too do the histamine thing (possibly). Every morning when I wake u and contemplate my day, the itching starts. At times I think the scratching is a tourettes tic and other times I think I’m allergic to anxiety. It could be a bit of both. Since you have a background in CBT, you already know the best way to improve is to go sit with Bob, but then you would have to endure the pain of sitting there. Extroverts can’t possibly imagine how difficult social anxiety is.
Yes. I use avoidance way too much and it really makes everything worse. I know to help the whole thing would have been to just sit with him. He knows how much I hate to socialize and does have a hard time trying to understand.
I had a horrible meeting the other day with the president of a foundation who derided “all those introverts out there who just want to sit in their offices and write grant proposals when the *right* way to do business is to get out and generate some face-time with the funders.” I became a finance/accounting guy specifically so I wouldn’t need to do face-time. The world is truly stacked against us.
Woah! That sounds awful! Not like I would have been able to say anything to the guy if I were in the meeting – but he would have known I was upset because I would have blotched all over the place (and I would be mentally giving him the finger). I haven’t worked in a few years (which I really think adds to my weakening tolerance and fear for socializing) so I don’t face those kind of people. But I do know what you mean.