Do Bad Kids Come From Bad Parents?

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Let’s take a moment to discuss the following statement.

Bad kids come from bad parents.

I used to get so jealous of other parents.  I would watch them tell their kids to do something, and the kids just listened – the FIRST time their parents gave a direction.   They would say something like, “stand here by the car while I get your baby brother out of his car seat.” And I would witness the most amazing thing.  The child would stay there and wait!  Grocery stores – forget about it.  Really?  Your child is just walking next to your cart while you shop?  What?!?!?

And all of this was before Declan was even born.

I am the parent that knows what all the daycare manager offices look like.  I know what the guidance counselor’s office looks like.  I know the year the original guidance counselor left and the new one came to our school.  I know which teachers prefer to talk on the phone and the ones that only correspond by email when there is a problem.  I know what the school “meeting” room looks like when the teacher determines there is a need to discuss your child’s behavior with you and other select school personnel.

I even know what the principal sounds like when she has to call home about your child.

(She’s actually really kind of nice – just so you know).

I realize some parents will never have to know any of these things.

And all of this has nothing to do with Declan.  Do you know how many times I have received a call home about his behavior?

Zero.  Zero calls received about Declan.

Now you must realize that these calls, these meetings, these emails – all of it – completely mortified me.

Why?

When I was a child I went completely out of my way to make sure that I NEVER had to have a “talk” of any kind with any teacher.  I followed all the rules.  I did all my assignments.  I made sure I passed all my classes, never requiring the need to interact with any of my teachers.

In short, I made sure I was never a problem.

And then I had kids.  And after all the effort I had put in to avoid “talks,” there I was having them.  My head would be down, red-faced, nodding while being lectured by a teacher.  I mean, ultimately, my child’s continued bad choices were a result of my bad parenting.  Right?

Every day, we’d try again.  I would walk them down to the bus stop, to stand with the other parents, now holding baby Declan.  Watching all the kids stand in line, patiently waiting for the bus to arrive, talking to one another.

Well, not mine.  I would watch Bobby laugh and push his sister, and then watch his sister scream as if she were shot with a bazooka.  And then of course, retaliate with a mighty kick to his shins – with me trying my hardest to separate them while holding a baby.  Until the bus would arrive and I would put them on with only one instruction:

“Do not sit anywhere near each other.”

Did I have bad kids?  Did I have the kids that made every other adult around them say, “must be the parents!”

Behavior plans, reward charts, time-outs…. daily signed correspondence between the school and home.  We cranked them all out.

AND THEN Declan started having problems in the home.

The big kids have matured.  Their impulsivity has waned.  We have found a way to have their sensory seeking behaviors met on different sports fields.

Catelyn was diagnosed, and a lot of things began to make more sense.  She was supported.  Bobby was provided services when he was younger (as I spoke about in the post “He had to Choose”), but never diagnosed with anything.

Both make a lot more good choices these days and Bobby especially is a huge help when it comes to his brother.

And Declan, supported with services since he was two, has never had a call come home for a “talk.”  He has had lots of goals at school, but given a different perspective from the start.

Bad kids don’t always come from bad parents.

In fact, some kids aren’t “bad.”  They just have different needs.  And parents – well, Lord knows I have had a lot of bad days and have made a lot of bad choices myself, but I have always tried my best to raise good kids.

Maybe some other parents are in the same situation?  Maybe there is something more going on with their kids and they are trying their best too?

I’d like to think so.  And coming from my perspective, I will always give the benefit of the doubt.

photo credit: Luis Marina <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/55282649@N05/15547142333″>Grrr!</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a>

35 thoughts on “Do Bad Kids Come From Bad Parents?

  1. “Bad” “Good”…. all connotations to provide an “easy” descriptor for behavior. Unfortunately, not all children are “bad.” Some are just “bored,” “uninterested,” “depressed,” or have undiagnosed/misdiagnosed labels etc. ….. ….. children are not equipped to effectively communicate what’s going on, which is why their behaviors are essential indicators. It’s easy to point the blame to parenting when there are times, it’s just wiring issues, under stimulation, so on, so forth. …… **sorry for the ramble** I enjoyed your post (as I read all of it!!!). 🙂

  2. There are way too many Judgey McJudgeypants around. Why must people put someone else down to make themselves feel superior? With my daughters, I raised them as thinking, feeling individuals and tried to give them a moral compass. There are six years between them and they have fought their entire lives. I can remember forbidding them to look at or touch each other. That was last week…LOL.

    There *are* some parents who are bad. Abusive, grossly neglectful, just bad. And some kids are born missing something, some essential humanity. Very rare.
    Most instances of “bad” kids are mis/un-diagnosed problems.

    1. Hahaha…laughed out loud at the “Judgey McJudgeypants” 🙂 Last week! Haha – oh boy! Yes, you are right – there are definitely some bad parents out there for all the reasons you mention. Horrific stuff. But yeah, some kids just have something else going on!
      Judgey McJudgeypants….hahahaha……:-)

  3. From a kid with behavioral issues growing up… It’s not the parents!!! I’m not a bad kid but have had a lot of problems. I never blamed my parents, and when other parents say something like oh must be the parents, I’m embarrassed for them… They don’t know the struggle of having a kiddo with struggles. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing your best and evidently adore your children.

    1. Thank you so much! Don’t be hard on yourself either – I don’t want anyone to think that the child is a bad kid. I like to think that something else may be going on when I see a child struggle and that the family is doing their best to support one another. Thanks so much for the comment!

  4. This is a really nice post, as hard as it probably was to write/relive some of these moments. I hate that parents are judged when kids misbehave. I hate when people say things to me that indicate they feel any flaw I have was from how I was parented. Another great post.

  5. I can so identify with your experiences. They are down-to-earth and relatable. I look forward to reading each new entry. I love, love, love your posts!💜

  6. I take it super personally when my kids act like a-holes (“where did I go wrong?!”). That being said, I subscribe to the Janet Lansbury philosophy of “No Bad Kids” – as a few of your readers have comment above, there are tired kids, misunderstood kids, kids who are teething, kids with growing pains, kids trying to process a huge world around them – no bad kids. Big love to you, mama!!

  7. I have had many days were we have been judged on our our son is behaving and I feel I could have done much better in handling the situation. At the end of the day, yes we are all doing our best and that’s all we can do.

    I look forward to read more from you, I really enjoyed this article.

  8. Hi Robyn. There are so many factors that influence a child’s behaviour and from what I have learned from reading your posts, your children are the best brought up ones I ‘know.’

      1. It is a pleasure Robyn. You have taught me so much about children with social anxiety problems.Unfortunately my boys are already grown up. Knowing what I know now, from reading your posts, would have helped my raise them better. I didn’t have any family help or moral support with my children and sometimes felt very unsure of myself as a parent.

  9. Does God create any bad people? Bad people had to begin their life somewhere! Doubt their parents chose to make them into a mass murderer…But the shootings that seem to have begun years ago in Columbine, CO still continue to happen on a way to frequent basis. How many are we up to now? 37 for a guess could be in the thousands for all I know.

    Your kids have been raised as good people. They have been given extraordinary challenges to over come. Take a look at them from that perspective, and smile. You have had a hand in bringing up great kids!

  10. Choices: What if the behavior isn’t a choice. In grade school, I always heard Eli was making bad choices. As if he chooses to do that one annoying thing that gets him a ‘sign-up’ every time. As a person with a neurological disorder that makes me make sounds and movements that are hard to control, I easily side with the kids when adults say they’re making bad choices. As you said, each kid has individual needs. And why is it such a big deal if a kid wants to stand next to his desk?!

  11. “In fact, some kids aren’t “bad.” They just have different needs.” This is so true! And we as a society are so quick to label people as good or bad that we rarely take the time to even understand the situation before rushing to conclusions. A former coworker who was an amazing person, whose wife was a special ed teacher, whose family went to church every week, who clearly made family a priority etc and both his teenage children had serious heartbreaking problems.

    Parents at a huge influence but even great parents can have kids who struggle…

    1. I agree completely – I know a couple of situations like the one you referenced. Heartbreaking!

  12. Hey there! If you place a comment on my post I’ll share the link to your blog! Trying to build a parenting community https://themomsomnia.wordpress.com/2018/04/21/calling-all-parents-what-advice-would-you-give/

    1. We used ASL when my youngest lost his speech – we all learned the basics: yes, no, stop, play, more., etc. We don’t use ASL now except for when my kids are far away from me (like on a sports field or in a mall) and I am trying to tell them something. Really helpful!

  13. I came back to read! Robyn, there are way too many JudgeyMcJudgies as King Ben’s Grandma (❤️her name as well) said. I definitely believe that there are no bad kids, just bad moments that we all must learn from and overcome.
    I bless all the JMcJ’s! They need something to do in life😉 Hugs dear!

  14. This is a question every parent asks themselves at some point in time about their children. Somehow we, as parents, all feel we have failed our children at times. I would certainly do some things different if I had some parenting “redos”. My children, who now becoming parents themselves, will also wish for some redos. We do the best we can, love our kiddos, and do the best we can the next day to. In the end, it usually works out just fine!

    1. Yeah, I would like some redos! Before I had kids, I remember working with kids and some were just hard. I always thought it was the parents. Then I became a parent and realized, try as I might to direct this child in the right path, this little thing has a personality – and with mine – there were other things going on. And we ran a bit of a bumpy road until we realized what was going on. So, I always like to mentally extend the “maybe they do too!” thought. You are right, I would like to think we are all doing the best we can 🙂

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