Can you Parent “Should have” or Guilt Free?

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“Just stop right there,” Ginny said, and I looked over at her.

Ginny and I were the therapists running a group therapy session in a partial hospital day program for the mentally ill.

Ginny was my senior by 25 years and had worked those 25 years in a therapeutic setting.  She had seen a lot, she had helped a lot.  And I looked to her as a mentor in therapy, as she knew a lot.

“I don’t want to hear you talk about the things you “should” have done,” Ginny continued, “The “shoulds” are a waste of time.  So is guilt.  Guilt is a useless emotion.  Just drop them.  You either do or you don’t.  Accept your choices and stop judging yourself.  Drop the shoulds, drop the guilt.  Okay?  Okay.  Go ahead.”

 

“Should” and guilt are useless – from the time I heard Ginny say those words 20+ years ago I have let the shoulds and guilt go.  Useless.  Why waste my time?

When someone “shoulds” me now, my left eye instinctively twitches.  Don’t should me.

But every now and again in the parenting role, those words, feelings and emotions DO set in, and I wonder:

Can you get through parenting “should have” or guilt free?

 

This morning was a tough morning.

There were bad choices made and I had to parent.

Yes, I parent every day.  I bestow hugs, kisses, clean clothes, meals to whoever will eat them and jokes – lots of jokes.

But today I had to bring out the discipline.

Bad choices already have a set of expected outcomes – TV time is lost, device time is lost.

Even though the outcomes are set – there is still yelling, name calling and tears.

Was I a rock star parent that handled the situation like a pro?  I don’t think so.  I think I got a little too emotional – I was mad.  And by the time I was on emotional clean up, I had to try to package up a child’s emotions enough for them to be able to go to school, although there was little emotional resolve as we separated.  I was still wearing my parent pants and held the TV time and device time so desperately wanted.

And I was glum.  I felt bad.  I am a sensitive person and I absorbed the negativity.  For hours.  And the thought train rapidly took off.

Could I have done that differently?  I wished there wasn’t so much yelling.  I should have stopped it all before the tears came.

And there it was.  Another should.

I have been a parent for twelve years.  Twelve very confusing years.  And I haven’t even gotten to the teens yet!

When I look back over the twelve years I see A LOT of things I would have done differently.  And, truth be told, there is some guilt.

I feel guilt for:

  • I wish I never listened to the people who told me my kids were bad. Through a raised eyebrow or a negative sentiment.  Because I parented harder to please someone else.
  • I wish I never told Bobby and Catelyn they had to stop causing so many problems when they were younger because I had my hands full with Declan. I had no idea Cate was experiencing autism too and wonder if I gave her enough of the support she needed then.
  • My kids were born as blank slates. And I vowed to keep them as wonderful and pure as I could from day one.  And when I see my bad habits or hear my negativity come out of their mouths – I put my head in my hands.  I wish I didn’t say or do those things that are now going to be their baggage as well.

Those are just a few.  I am sure if I keep digging I could spew a few more.  I could get into details.

But I realize it doesn’t help to look back and look at the things I should have done instead.  I don’t need the should haves or the associated guilt.  I don’t need me judging me making me feel any worse.

I made my choices and I accept them.  I accept that I have made mistakes – heck, what parent hasn’t?  And if my kids ever came to me and were upset about something I have done in the past, I will apologize and let them know, “I tried my best.”

I don’t look forward with shoulds, I have only looked back.  And I have felt guilt.  But Ginny was right – let them go.

Instead, I choose to learn from my past and continue to try my best.  Happy parenting!

 

13 thoughts on “Can you Parent “Should have” or Guilt Free?

  1. Learn from our mistakes, and the guilt trip has to go, otherwise you can’t be a whole person. Once gone, we can live, give, and me more positive.

  2. Shoot, I’ve been parenting almost THIRTY years consecutively and I still lose my cool on occasion. Of course we feel bad about it, we love our little monsters and have unreasonably high expectations for ourselves.
    Letting the kiddos know we are human and make mistakes is good parenting IMO. I’ve apologized for losing my cool without backing down on the choice/consequence.
    Ginny was right! Guilt is useless. Shoulda, woulda, coulda…it’s all past tense and unchangeable. Learning from our mistakes is all we can do and teach our kids to do.
    You got this❣❣💪🌟🌹💌💌

  3. Hi Robyn. Very true and valuable information and it speaks to ALL parents. I am very guilty of voicing and thinking ‘shoulds’ about myself and will try harder not to. I am not going to be blogging very much for a while as I want to spend more time finishing stories, my novel and poems I started ages ago and gave up on because of lack of time. I hope to be properly published and maybe make some money from writing. I will be checking my favourite bloggers posts though but may only comment occasionally. I will always read and value the information and encouragement you give to parents. Kim x

    1. Wow, that is wonderful, Kim! I wish you the very best with your writing and can’t wait to hear about your progress! Thank you for your kind words – I really enjoy your writing as well and can’t wait to read some more! Take care and talk to you soon! Robyn

  4. Face it, you were dealt a bad hand. But you are changing it into a winner! We chose not to have kids, mainly because I have a temper that I do not want to subject an innocent child to the outbursts from it. Bobby has grown into a thoughtful young man. Cate is in her early years of education still. And then there is Declan,a young artist in the midst!

    Still waiting for when his skills reach their heights!

    1. A hard hand, yeah. Trying my best and figuring it out as I go 🙂 I know, me too! Thank you!

  5. It is so hard to parent without guilt! My post today was about feeling guilty for putting my kids through the divorce….Even though it was absolutely necessary.

    1. Yes, when I read your post I was getting upset at your ex. It was a necessary change, I agree. And I agree – it is so hard to parent without some kind of guilt! I’m letting it go – I am hopeful that my kids (and yours) will say one day, “My mom did her best.” Because we are definitely trying! 🙂

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